look no pants
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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