Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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