He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
