My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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