The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
