I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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