Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize