It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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