it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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