Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
