I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
