i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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