I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you didnt know i had herpes?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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