I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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