Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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