i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
