i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
