Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
