i would punch a child for taco bell
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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