you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
