i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
