she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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