she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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