having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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