I'm laying in your front yard are you home
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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