I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
