11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
