I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
