Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
