I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
