I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize