I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize