guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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