I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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