the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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