you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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