You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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