What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
