sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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