A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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