you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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