Ambien. No doubt about it.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
