I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
