we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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