Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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