O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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