there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
my poor anus
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
