i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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