i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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