Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
