Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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