she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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