The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
