I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
