I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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