im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Never underestimate the power of titties
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
