i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
