Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
