Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
