Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
