tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Semen is not good for contacts.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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