i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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