I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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