I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
