No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i dont even know how to be here
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize