I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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