you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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