When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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