oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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