it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Randomize
