i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
